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maya.weisinger

2021-07-07 3 min read

Here is what I assume the “How To Date A Human Woman” instruction manual looks like based on the date that I went on last night:

When arriving for the date, approach a woman from behind. There’s nothing a human woman loves more on a crisp, autumn night, just as the moon is starting to crest, than a man she has never met emerging from the darkness and grabbing her abruptly. Make sure to say nothing when you see her startled face, but also make a point to glance up and down her body. This is the best possible scenario you could engage in within 10 seconds of meeting her. Make it so.

Next, find a table that is situated near the men’s bathroom. It will show her that you are strong and powerful. She might also confuse the odors for pheromones and as we all know here at HTDAHW, pheromones are the key to success.

When ordering drinks, make sure you mention at least thrice that wine is good for making her feel more relaxed and that it will help her open up. Make eye contact while she takes her first sip to ensure relaxation process has commenced.

If the human woman seems to be shifting uncomfortably in her seat during the course of your date, do not think it has anything to do with you. She is probably cold. All human women are cold at all times. Make sure you ask her if she is cold. She will say, “yes” and when her eyes look fearfully at the door it is because that’s where the cold is coming from.

It is suggested that you maintain an adequate amount of conversation. Try lines such as, “I am not an asking questions guy” and “My sister’s husband is 430 pounds.” If that doesn’t work, bring up any story about Las Vegas that you have. If the human woman is from the United States she will appreciate this and recognize that you are a cool guy and like adventure.

Human women like compliments. First, comment upon your own physique. Make sure you are specific about your weight and what types of foods you eat to maintain your current, glorious bod. Then you are all set to grab a part of her body from across the table and say, “You are also pretty good.”

On the subject of compliments, it is highly suggested that you make her feel special throughout the night. Wait until she is talking to interject and tell her she looks cute. Do this many times so she understands you are serious. She will love that you are so astounded by her beauty that you cannot wait until she finishes her sentence to tell her. Notice how she will fall silent after you do this a number of times. This means you are ready to initiate the Sexy Goodbye Sequence.

Sexy Goodbye Sequence (SGS) commences with an offer to walk her home. On the way, absentmindedly walk into oncoming traffic. Human women love to save lives. It may work in your favor to allude to the near-death experience throughout the walk, telling her, “I knew you cared about me.” After her panic about you walking directly in front of a speeding tram subsides, you are ready to begin phase two of SGS.

Phase Two comprises of simultaneous task operations. Firstly, compute all of her claims of being tired and ready to go to bed as signals that show she is willing and ready to go home with you. Secondly, keep her from fleeing by putting your arm around her. Do not be afraid to hold on tightly. Human women want to feel secure. And don’t forget that she is cold. You are comforting her in this moment.

Phase Three: She will say she is going home, but what she means is that she wants to stand outside of her apartment with you awkwardly, continuing to insist she is done with the night. This means you have got her attention. It is suggested that you freestyle within the following moments. Some winning actions have been to quickly grab her hands and ask her why she is holding your hands. Another award-winning move is to grab her butt directly after she says she does not want to kiss you. If she brings up the “K” word, especially in this capacity, it is because kissing is on her mind. (Please consult our HTDAHW manual on effective kissing postures.) In cases of FR (feigned resistance), we highly suggest you engage in kissing that is swift and sloppy, paired with an embrace that is difficult to get out of. This will severely improve your chances of her admitting that she was lying all along and actually DOES want to go home with you.

Here at HTDAHW we know that dating is all about results. If you don’t make oral contact with any part of a human woman’s body by the end of the night, remember that you are a failure as a man and must return to the Self-Loathing chamber for 3 sleeps. Then, and only then, will you be ready to drink 10 beers with your bro comrades and yell at human women on the street. This should yield the results desired, as all human women are responsible for your pity and shame and need to be given up-to-date reminders of such. They will send the message along to the others.

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